A few days ago I wrote about Letters to a Young Bride by Alice von Hildebrand, which we read in 2005. Here is the second post I promised which contains lessons from that book:
“Like all great things in life, marriage is a risk–a ‘deed of daring’ (as Kierkegaard said.)”
Letters to a Young Bride gives newlyweds a valuable taste of experience
Lesson 1 Be Ready for a Fight
But fight together: “Your success won’t depend on exterior circumstances, but on your own inner attitudes: are you both willing to fight the good fight for your marriage, trusting that your mutual love, strengthened by grace, will achieve victory in spite of the tempests that threaten every human undertaking?”
Lesson 2 Develop an I-Thou Relationship
Guard your quiet time together: “I know of many marriages that have grown cold or even failed because involvement with other people or with children has become so predominant that the I-Thou dimension has receded completely into the backround.” It’s not so much a question of actual time but of “loving longing.”
“Mother Teresa of Calcutta is certainly one of the busiest people on earth, yet she spends hours absorbed in prayer and loving contemplation of ourr Savior …. similarly, throughout your marriage, you should try to reserve moments foryou and Michael in which you forget everything else, talk to each other concentrate exclusively on each other and revivify your love.”
Lesson 3-Don’t Always be Strongest (the winning kind)
Think the person who wins the argument is always stronger? Dr. von Hildebrand thinks that “when arguments on each side are equally weighted (the title of this chapter is I Want a Dishwasher, He Wants a Stereo) and there is no easy way to resolve the issue based on the evidence alone keep in mind that the person who gives in out of love is always the greater one.” “This spouse is by far the stronger one, for he’s achieved the most difficult of all victories: conquering his own self-will.”
According to Cardinal Newman: ‘No two persons perhaps are to be found, however intimate, however congenial in tastes and judgements, however eager to have one heart and one soul, but must deny themselves…much which they like or dislike, if they’re to live together happily.’
Lesson 4-Build a Mental Treasure Chest of Memories
“No matter how deeply we love someone, human imperfections and difficult circumstances inevitably dull that beauty of soul which we first perceived in him …. In such moments I turn to the treasure chest of sweet memories I have of the person and I try vividly to recall a word, a gesture, an act of generosity or heroism which has particularly revealed to me his true self, his unique beauty.”
Dr. von Hildebrand tells the story of how a friend she was traveling through a violent storm with set aside her own fears and spent the flight quietly comforting her and holding her hand, her face expressing “nothing but loving kindness.” It has touched her so profoundly that in moments of doubt and disagreement she has only to recall that memory and her heart is full of gratitude for that friend.
As you might imagine the book holds much more wisdom for new and experienced brides.
I pulled it out the other day for this post and have gleaned as much from the second reading as I did from the first; and I’ve been married 33 years. Keep it close at hand and refer to it often!
Ten women reading Catholic women authors 